This blog is gonna be kind of random and streaming so bare with me....hell, I don't know if anyone even reads it anyway....Sometimes I feel like NO ONE is even fucking LISTENING!!!!!
So, I am part of many "social networking" sites. I have noticed people CONSTANTLY bashing the USA and bashing where they live and bashing their living situation, yet they are doing NOTHING TO CHANGE IT! I fucking hate it....right now my husband is at the bottom of the fucking world in some DESERT, someplace, WISHING he could be back here in the USA, to our boring little town, to our simple little life. He has travelled the world, seen so many people, seen so many cultures, been to so many different places, and he is ALWAYS glad to come home.
We don't have a glamourous life, we dont have a huge house, lots of money or lots of friends. But we are THANKFUL for what we have. Sometimes Jeff has to remind ME when things get tough in our lives that I have to be thankful. Even now, when he is in that terrible place, he is thankful that it is not worse, thankful that I am home waiting on him, thankful that everything he DOES is HIS CHOICE.
I admire him so much for that.
Working in the community clinic has really really opened my eyes to a lot of things. First of all, no matter HOW bad I think your situation is, there is ALWAYS someone who has it WORSE. I mean there are people in this world without the BASIC necessities of life...there are people living in our TOWNS...hell, they could be RIGHT NEXT DOOR to you, living their own private hell. Another thing I have learned is that if people REALLY wanted out of their situation, NOTHING will stop them. All these fuckers complaining about their town being boring, or our government being corrupt, or just basically how much they hate their life....are not doing ANYTHING to change the situation. When you ask them, why dont you just move? Or why dont you just try to better yourself, they have a bucket of excuses.....There are people who come to the clinic who SOLD THEIR BODIES, Swim MILES in the ocean, risked being caught by border patrol, risked being killed by crooked human smugglers, risked their children's lives and their own lives, worked 4 jobs, lived in CLOSETS to change their situation. There is NO EXCUSE. If you really REALLY want to change your situation. You will do whatever it takes. Point Blank.
Another reason for my current state of mind is I am part of ALLLL these social networks....I have at least a hundred "friends" in each network, yet I feel SO alone. I will post things saying "who wants to go out to dinner with me?" Or "who wants to go xyz place with me" NOTHING, no responds WHAT SO EVER....until after the fact...then I get some flaccid excuse from someone who feels obligated to just say SOMETHING. I know times are tough and I know people have their own lives, I break my NECK to accomedate them. I even offer to FOOT THE BILL half the time, gas, dinner or something. Still nothing. I will call or send text messages, emails.....nothing. If I were to narrow my friends list down on each site, based on the people who give me the time of day, I mean really, people who will at least drop me a line once in a while to see if alive...I would be down to like 8 people combined (not including my family who is FANTASTIC and always makes sure I am ok, even if they are so far away that we cannot do things together). Well I am DONE WITH IT. I am done begging people to be my friend. It is pathetic and degrading. I am making a vow right now to be stronger, BY MYSELF. This is not some desperate plea to get people to talk to me....it is FAR too late for that....and I know I am burning bridges right now...and if that is the case, then give me another fucking match and some lighter fluid.....I am sorry this blog is so negative and angry, but that is how I feel right now...It really came ALL OF A SUDDEN it just hit me....I am sorry if your feelings are hurt, I am sorry if what I said hit close to home, but I am not sorry for typing these words...not one bit.
~Kira
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